Last week, I gave up painting class. It’s not that I don’t like painting or my class. It’s that I need a break, my life, once again has gotten chaotic.
Piles dominate my studio, my new easel sits unused in a corner. Some of those piles are the result of me simplifying my life. When we repainted the kitchen and dining room, I removed everything from the kitchen shelves and put them in the studio. Nothing is returning to the kitchen unless I need it. So far there is more stuff in the studio than in the kitchen.
If you have been reading my blog for any length of time, you know that I have what I call enthusiasms. They are cyclic,though like long term weather patterns, we know that a pattern exists but aren’t really aware of them in our daily lives.
I thought that I wanted to be an Artist (with a capital A) but apparently not. Or it could simply be that I need a break and will return to painting with renewed vigor. At this time, however, I don’t have real goals. Without goals, I can’t have a plan, with out a plan I lack direction. Ultimately, I feel lost.
No matter what, I am a creative person, sometimes I feel driven to create, but the medium that I use doesn’t seem to be as important as the act of creating. For example, I am definitely a writer, this blog has lasted much longer than I ever expected it to.
Reading my most recent blog posts makes me realize that it’s sewing that is my current focus. I am so excited about the VPLL 1912 Project, every day, I check the blog and facebook site to see what is new. When I check my email, I find myself disappointed to see that my group still hasn’t received it’s own pattern to test. I drool over the other groups’ patterns and plan which one I will request next.
I realize that people who read my blog because they want to know about life in Mexico are probably no longer reading. However, my blog was never about life in Mexico, but rather My Life, which I am currently living in Mexico. After almost eight years, this is home and much of it doesn’t seem so remarkable. So I don’t remark upon it. Let me digress for a moment, on that vein. My friend Anny, told me story about watching a film that took place in some exotic land. The protagonist stops and stares dumbfounded at something, the camera pans a scene. Anny said she stared and stared at the screen, not seeing anything to cause that sort of reaction. Eventually, she realized that it was a bici-taxi. She’s lived in Mexico far longer than us and no longer finds those things odd and neither do I. In fact, I have a regular bici-taxista who takes us home from Chedraui and until this moment never thought to blog about him!
Detour over, back to our regularly scheduled ramble.
I’m always flattered that people read my blog. I get nervous when someone wants to meet me, afraid that I will disappoint them. After reading Why I love Theresa on Dispatches from Mérida, I wandered around in a bit of a daze. It´s an extremely flattering blog post, but how can I ever live up to that idealized version of me? I want to be that person, a good Buddhist, but sometimes I get caught up in the past or future and forget about the now.
Perhaps that is my problem, who I am now is not who I was a year ago when I began painting. Sewing and being a good seamstress (I dislike the new term “sewist” even more than I dislike “gringo” ) is not as glamorous as being an artist, but I’ve never seen myself as being glamorous, just as creative. I’ve always loved costume and it’s been a long time since I have gotten to indulge that passion.
I promise my readers that there will still be stuff about Mexico in my blog because living here affects my life. You may have to wade through some sewing stuff to read it but it will still be there.